A Death.

[teneka]

A Death.
Current mood: heartbroken

Many things in this life tend to wiggled their way so deep into my heart that they can't get back out again, they become such a huge part of my heart that it becomes natural, like they are a part of me. The problem with something getting so intimately a part of my emotions is that once it's gone, that huge space it took up becomes empty. Something has to fill that emptiness, sometimes you don't even know it's there so it fills with a dream, hiding from you whats really happening, other times you realize it right away and it fills with anger. However, for me that emptiness first filled with dreams. I was oblivious, and slowly, little by little, though I didn't want it to, that dream began to fade.

It was like a pretty wall, opaque, and pretty enough to make me content, and on the other side, was a black abyss. I was happy to pretend there was no abyss, just a pretty wall but now...

That wall sank into the ground slowly and painfully, like twisting a blade inside a fresh wound, or in my case a wound that never healed because I didn't want to look at it. Now I'm staring into the abyss, that emptiness in my heart has filled with so much sadness, it's cold, it hurts, and it's staring back into me, telling me, reminding me that she is gone, and she is never coming back.

She was so very close to me, I loved her. She knew all my secrets, understood me and everything about me in a way no one ever will, not James, not even Beckah. As much as I want another person to fill that emptiness, no one ever can or will. Not even together. It workd for a while but Beckah gets mad at me instead of understanding me. She jumps to conclustions, is quick to yell and has a tendency to lose all her respect for someone, regardless of who they are just because she had a bad day. Danielle used to just stop talking to me when I was mad, and that forced me to calm down so we could talk again. When I was mad at her things always worked out eventually but she was able to handle me being mad without getting mad at me for being mad.

Yes, I am comparing Beckah and Danielle. Danielle was like my blood, my sister. We knew everything about each other, it was one of those bands you read about in fairy tales and story books. We were so close, c,loser I think than Beckah and I will be..and..I don't want to be that close to anyone. I don't want to replace her and I can't....it's hard to see the screen through all my tears. The truth is I wanted Beca to fill that gap, I almost wanted her to replace Danielle just so it wouldn't hurt so much...but Beca doesn't want to be Danielle, and she couldn't be anyway.

You would tell me I should just accept Beca, and even though she will never replace Danielle, I should be able to move on and deal with the changes in my life. Well if that's how it is, then I'm not listening. Let me be sad for while...don't try to cheer me up. If this is the way it is, if this is how life works, if I really have lost the etire half of my heart to a series of events..then let it be. Let me mourn it, let me cry. There is nothing wrong with trying to glue the heart back together with tears. It's over and I can't change it....God I miss her....and no matter what the world will keep turning without her...and..*stops tryping to cry for a few minutes*...We, as living creatures always ask why when things like this happen. I find myself asking it too, why did she have to leave? Why did I have to lose her? Why can't anyone else be her? Why does it have to hurt? Why can't anyone fill the gap? These questions all have answers I don't want to hear. So let me be deaf to them. .....

Danielle...I love you, I miss you...and though everything as changed and you can no longer be my other half....no one will ever take your place...and I wish...so very much that you could come back to fill the gap yourself...but you can't...It hurts so much to say it's over..but life has made it that way... So now...I look at the same moon and the mournful cry of my heart reachs up above the clouds in memory of your friendsship...And my tears stain the same ground you used to walk upon. I'll never forget you, I'll never stop loving you, and I'll never stop missing you.

It's been to long to say this...I should have said it when you went to Minnesota, i should not have lied to myself and told myself things would be the same. Things will never be the same and I'll have to adjust, and that will take lost of time, and many tears....Goodbye Dani....I wish things hadn't of ended like this...

[Azriel]

"Mmnah.." He pressed his hand to his temple as the headache persisted. The pain always hit him like this, so much physical as emotional, "nuh.." his words were senseless. Sanity drowned out by infinite sadness. If he ran, nothing would change, if he stayed, then the same result. Powerless. For once there was nothing he could do, despite his appearance and strength. Instead he crumpled, a broken mass that did not resemble the mass that has stood only a moment ago. "Naaa..ahhhh...!" he called out, there were no words to mask it, to mask the guilt that sadness and regret. He was glad to be alone now. There was nothing to do but mourn. He couldn't bring himself to think about things getting better, moving on, fading into the past like her. Such sorrow, and in spite of it he was content to dwell in his suffering. For now was not the time for cheer, there was no room for smiling. All the remained as of yet was this abyss and he would only find himself rescued from the darkness when his own heart would free him, and the time for that was no where in sight.


I understand your pain, though it's my character suffering it and not I, It's okay. Mourn, Cry. Live. YOu know time will pass and you will move on, but time for that is delayed. Wait out the night, see yourself come to peace with it, only then will the moring sun breach the horizon. *Hugs*

Az

[wulf]

*nuzzles* When a person leaves our lives, it IS like they took a peace of ourselves with them. Like they were selfish, they just decided one day to leave in spit of you. And you want to hate them, you want to throw your fists at them, no, wait, you want to want to feel like this at them, to feel angry to replace the sorrow...but you can't. You loved them, and you can't be angry at them, you can't hate them, you would do anything to just bring them back and not have to say "goodbye" and know that will be teh last one ever.

Sometimes though...if you let that wound bleed, bad things happen. Okay not sometimes, all the time. It's not your fault she left, wasn't your decision, and it wasn't something you could have influenced. But darlin, letting someone in, letting someone help you and crying on their shoulder or opening up to someone new isn't replacing that wonderful person. She couldn't control leaving either, and she would want you to be happy. She might not want to show it...it would hurt so much more, if you knew she was hurting like you. But she probably wants you to be happy, to welcome that same happiness into your life again. Though you will never feel a happyness like you did with her, you will be introduced to others. I know it stings, it's a blunt object to your stomach and you want that old beautiful feeling of that person being close to you again, but what you have to do now is remember her. Memories are how these people stay in our lives, how we honor them with our love for them and how we never forget them. I'm not saying move on, thats ...harsh. What I'm saying is, remember, feel joy that you had what you had with her. Cherish those ethreal feelings, emotions, and loving memories you have that are what is inside your heart. When one thing dies..another is born, your heart burns now, take it easy girl.